i think i've become a smarter person since i met you. you taught me a lot of things, you know. like how to deep fry ice-cream, and how to catch dragonflies by their wings. you also taught me what it feels like to be alone.

after you left, i forgot how to deep fry ice-cream and the dragonflies always seemed to slip away between my fingers. but i never forgot what it feels like to be alone. not once.

my mom says i've become a stronger person since i met you. i know she's only lying to make me feel better. the truth is, you made me selfish. you sang me lullabies and kissed me in front of my parents and let me sneak bites of your food at restaurants. it's all your fault i'm such a spoiled brat.


- - - -


i miss you sometimes, you know. i miss your sleepy smile and your throaty laugh and the way you always smelt like werther's original toffees. i tried to forget the arch of your back and the parabola of your jaw, and the defiant way you would laugh and correct me when i mispronounced a word (like parabola), but the truth is, i'm too scared to forget. i don't know what i would do if i didn't have the memory of your aftershave to lull myself to sleep.

see? you made me weak.


- - - -


i'd like to think i've become more honest since you left. i told you a lot of lies, you know. i promised you silly things, like that i'll buy you the sunset after a summer rainstorm, or that i'll catch a lovebug for you. i remember when i told you that you just laughed and ruffled my hair, telling me that i can't buy sunsets and there's no such thing as lovebugs.

but you also told me you'll stay with me forever.

"promise you'll never shed a tear for me," you said to me one day. "i don't deserve them."

i pinkie swore to that, even though i argued you were worth more than 32 shooting stars, but you didn't let me.

on the day of your funeral, i cried. a lot. i felt kinda bad, though. for breaking your promise. but you promised that you'll never let go of my hand.

if you broke your promise, i can break mine.


- - - -


but here's what i've really become, in case you wanted to know: a hopeless romantic who will always sleep on the left half of the bed, leaving room for someone who will never, ever come home.